A brief settling down of the ripples coming from a dive into the emotions I experienced in intimate relationships. I promise (to myself) this will be brief, as I as much as those who care about the effect of rumination on me want to put this issue to rest, at least to a less restless state, by nailing the coffin a bit.
So I now understand the intensity of emotions I experienced better. There are two kinds of love, cheap love and earned, real meaningful love. I tend to, mistakenly, look down the former in which I thought I have to do nothing as I am entitled to it simply by being there. My presence satisfies them. The latter pulls my heartstrings. I earn love by trying desperately to keep up with a standard I avowed or implicitly assumed necessary in being with the person with that kind of moral standards or expectations. I feel like I have to make the checks I wrote pay, so I did everything in all possible manner to be like ‘him’ in the regards I deemed where I am judged.
Whereas I love my lover for his really unique character. Something soft, gentle, fragile, stubborn, sensitive, sentimental. And all I tried to earn is moments of intimacy, triggered by the touch of skin. Tactile. Smell. That’s all I want.
And I tend to want to give up judgment over significant issues e.g. householding, career plans to this person who is more experienced or reliable than me. Coz he’s the ‘right’ one. Maybe this is part of my way to love.
So my promise to myself now is, you don’t have to earn love this way anymore. I looked back at the tapes for you and none of them asked you to reach those standards that you desperately reached for unconsciously. You earn love by being a worthy companion that listens and knows when step back a bit shutting the gates on your runny thoughts, when to take an extra step out of your normal lazy character to do a bit more for that person, not for your standard compliance but for him. (Or her! I am not ruling out anything:) )
Both you and him are unique persons loved for being unique that way. At least I see my own ‘likable (?)’ stubbornness more clearly than before from the earlier ‘political’ rantings. And you know what you liked about the guys. I do.
So yea, pat on the shoulder, and let’s hope you wouldn’t put yourself and above all else others on this ordeal of keeping up with some vague, compulsory goal in order to deserve love. This sounds shittily cheesy and meaningless but it’s not in this context I hope: maybe you already deserve it?
You too listener,