So I did nothing except some intense physical workout and getting exhausted from that in the last 24 hours. I feel like mopping up some feelings that I tried to come to terms with this afternoon, while dragging myself up from bed at home, and after dinner when the dust of the last few days settle a bit.
So I think I had a slight epiphany or promise to self in the afternoon. That is, I should take up my share of sub-optimality-swallowing in a relationship, regardless of its category – romance, friendship, family, whatever. I know sometimes putting myself in a position which gets me nervous, anxious and alert, and also packed with some grudge from some requirements (perhaps subconsciously – not even something the other asked for). But then I asked myself if it worths it, and I know from the bottom of my really soft heart a firm yes. And I know others have always had their fair share of shit swallowing for me. Given that I know I am not a particularly considerate person (I get how I leave everything deemed less urgent to my parents & probably take them quite for granted .. and I can get my child-like selfishness from the scene of myself grabbing food on the sofa when everything around’s messy af).
I had some flashback on a relationship where love was intense but I couldn’t take the conditions that come with it. I couldn’t, and I am finally accepting that it’s an ‘I couldn’t’. It is a shame. I was unable to put down my ego and self-importance enough to be an ‘equal’ partner among all. I need recognition from my capabilities & diligence. It was outright denied to me, as I was said to not know what I am doing. Probably right but that search for the answer to their question destroyed me. Over and over.
It’s my character flaw – I really want to apologise and say, I know I was telling myself a half-lie, a story of sour grapes to stop my own scars from bleeding to death. I know it has to do with my inflated ego whilst being with people I deemed my lower counterpart and therefore find very very difficult to interact with when apparently deemed ‘lower’ morally. That’s why I feel a lot more at ease with the staff at least at the moment – everyone has a reason to be respected by me. Which is real shitty to think of it, it means I 欺善怕惡, in capabilities/ morality sense。Will I change? Will I still be 捽數 and doing it for the people there, instead of for the work in itself? I have images of leader or guardian-like people that I had respected and relied on at different stages in my life. Failing each of them brought me trauma.
I often value their valuing me more than any thing. I don’t want that to repeat.
With Chris it’s fine – he has a Tai Chi player feel to organising. With Ann it’s a bit harder. She likes my efficiency.
I think something that changes my interaction with someone is when I start to have respect for him or her. Say, for how he/she endured and showed patience and consistency despite all. (Or start to see his/ her weakness behind an all-encompassing impression.) Maybe the point is to learn to respect people in their unique way so no one is ‘lower’ than you, and to learn to not do anything for compliments by someone somehow ‘higher’ than me. This I remember is something I’ve written in an 2017 Dec email to a group of close friends. With utter excitement, like Moses proclaiming the Ten Testaments from the Lord’s Fire, an excitement that eventually died off when I don’t ‘need’ to write to them anymore. Maybe also have respect for yourself and have appropriate awareness & constructive despise for my own room for improvement. Maybe it’s the Aristotle thing of getting the exact right amount – no more, no less.
Respect my dad for his optimism, loyalty, utter patience & willingness to give; respect my mom for willing to tone down her constant anxiety about everything and offering her heart and mind to making our lives better & easier. These are probably qualities that I’ll take tens of years to acquire, and more importantly exactly complement and allow me to become who I am – a quick-witted, impatient, efficient improviser specialising in mental labour.
Yep, this makes a lot of sense. This is really why I couldn’t live as an all-rounded, caring neighbour. I had been specialised into not-caring since very young.
And to trust in the maturity of the other. That’s like the bedrock in every relationship.
Needing sleep & hope you too get a good rest,