So I’ll leave the rage from election fraud in front of 50 people at Lai Tak Polling Station in a bracket, and return to that issue when the new DC member’s team return to me. Feeling that anger too much drains my mind & makes it hard to focus on other stuff.
So there’s one final thing that I want to get off my chest, after having thought of it starting from a while ago and coming with a bit of a eureka moment during bedtime ytd. That is why do I always want some sort of verbal/ material commitment type thing, even in form of the fancy of going into a marriage, a kind of co-habitation or open family arrangement with someone that I really want to get or stay close with. Like why would I jump from really liking what that’s at the moment, to inferring & fascinating about an even more intensive experience in form of those kind of engagements.
So the answer I came up with is, fear of losing what I now have. A million scenario could snatch the ‘present’ moment that I treasured away from me. So I need it to be secure. It could be lost when one changes his/her mind. It could be lost when the physical proximity or conditions are no longer available. It could be lost when some deal between persons other than me got struck and I am forced into accepting the outcome from that. These applied to all the more insecure relationships I had.
Whereas I would be a hell lot more complacent in relationships that are ‘secure’ in that sense and start to act like a total dick that feels utterly bound by that bond. (So I like fucking myself & others up.)
So what I tell myself is, what I really and actually like is the (then) ‘present’ moment. The further securing of it in forms of weird bonds driven by un-communicated scares is means to the already obtained and easily obtainable end. Just communicate fears and ‘complacency’, sit back, and enjoy the show.
So this is one thing.
The other thing is I start to understand a person who affected me a lot better after some subconscious reflections these few days.
He changes immensely quickly when he judges something unworkable. In *every* regard. Politics, economics,
So I should have understood. Now I do. In a good and relieved manner – as he likes to put it, it’s objective.
Unlike me, I just get stuck to what I had reason to make sense of, in pursuing some very simple relentlessly. In that regard I really am like a frisbee-catching doggie. I really am.
I feel quite relieved to see what’s been the knot there and, feel objectively more able to live with my past and present.
Hope you guys do too,