不疾不徐 Against Anesthesia

I recounted this story to my friends on a brief trip from TST to SSP. I didn’t realise this was storytelling material – but I sensed it at the time, and chose to record it. Yes, I hate the CIC from the core of my bones. It reverberates.

*****

從埃及到香港的無盡苦路 — 基督徒難民夫婦S & H

Endless Way of Cross from Egypt to Hong Kong – Christian Refugees, S and H 

S與H是一對難民夫婦，由2016年起從埃及輾轉逃難到香港。今年一月，我在甘浩望神父主持的街頭黃傘基督徒彌撒遇上二人，因為幫他們翻譯而成為朋友，數次獲邀到他們家享用埃及晚餐。二人熱情滿滿，大方分享逃離宗教迫害之路，我漸漸從一次又一次的對話中，拼湊出他們的未完難民苦路。

埃及：因基督徒身份受迫害

身處相對世俗化的香港，我們大概難以明白宗教對中東人的重要性。按2015年美國中情局數據，埃及的遜尼派穆斯林(Sunni Muslims) 佔人口90%，少數派科普特基督徒(Coptic Christians)只佔人口約10%[1] 。每人一出生，身份證就必須刻上宗教，不同教派通婚被視作違悖倫理，由此形成一代代流傳下去的宗教區隔。科普特基督徒群體雖然得到主流容忍，但沒有代表能擠身政界；一旦他們有大型示威，軍方更會毫不手軟鎮壓。2011年發生推翻穆巴拉克(Mubarak)強人政權的「阿拉伯之春」後，有份要求平權的埃及基督徒便被打成代罪羔羊，來自民間與政府的打擊大增[2]。

名義上，所有人都有轉教自由；但事實上，由基督教皈順為穆斯林易被主流接納，但由穆斯林皈順基督的「異教徒」(apostate) 則犯了不可赦免的叛教大罪。如他們的身份曝光，除了干犯「褻潰罪」可入獄外，受人成羣威嚇或殺害示眾、家人感到奇恥大辱將之光榮殺害也絕不鮮見。

H一出世就是當地少數的基督教徒，大學畢業後成為記者，是科普特教會的年輕教牧，敢於批評教會高層的腐敗行徑。他於2002年在沙地阿拉伯工作期間，經相處下使當地一位公主轉信基督教。事情曝光後，公主被親弟「光榮殺死」，H則被當地政府判處死刑。當時美國政府介入，他被遣返埃及。H印象深刻的是，警方從他母親手上捉拿他時，竟一臉不經意地說：「你仲有第二個仔吖！」他被囚禁兩年期間身受酷刑，甚至完全失去左眼視力。

他出獄後投入產品營銷的工作。直至2011年，他參與了反對政府拆毀當地教堂的「馬伯樂示威」(Maspero Demonstrations) [3]，事件中軍方開槍鎮壓，死傷過百，H左腳中彈受重傷，政府同時封殺他的業務。到了2014年，H外出購物時發現數人企圖持槍暗殺他，於是他不顧一切逃走到杜拜，再輾轉到達南韓蔚山(Ulsan)，在當地教會照顧下逗留了兩年，直至遇上S。

 七年前，S還是一個普通穆斯林家庭的主婦，與當時的丈夫育有三名女兒，習慣披頭巾示人。她大學畢業後一直在法文教學中心教書，同時是一個作家及地下女權主義者。她說，女兒的同學都很羨慕她們，有這樣既溫柔又開明的母親。在久經反思下，她在2012年轉成為無信仰者，再於2014年轉信基督教。當時她沒有受洗，以免家人發現，在2017年才正式受洗。

轉教一事在2015年初被家人發現後，她被送到精神病院軟禁兩年，又被丈夫藉離婚威脅返教，直到女兒私下通告家人企圖殺人滅口，S才在她們協助下逃離埃及。

她於網上結識了H，二人積極參與阿拉伯穆斯林與異教徒間的論戰。2017年來到南韓時，二人墜入愛河，成功在當地教會註冊結婚。在南韓教會幫助下，他們一直等待移居加國，詎料有人把他們的地址流出，引來追殺他們的穆斯林，二人只好於2018年2月初走避多國，歷經各地不人道與腐敗的入境政策。

他們先是走到印度洋小島塞舌爾島（Seychelles Island），28日後就被驅逐；歷經肯尼亞和多個城市後，原本想轉機到歐洲，但二人指穆斯林入境處人員已買通所有關口，不容二人出境，他們只好由陸路坐車到坦桑尼亞。及後，他們到日本機場尋求庇護，誰知當地入境處職員竟想遞解他們回埃及，當時已說明自己有子宮外孕情況的S更被職員推撞昏倒，傷及早年出血舊患，需進行流產，至今婦科問題不斷。

他們威脅將事情告知美國的聯合國職員朋友後，日本才讓二人尋找第三國庇護。而那個地方，就是香港。

抵港：坐等半天，突遇暴力遣返

香港並不為難民提供庇護，只確保申請人在等待審核期間，能維持最基本的生活需要，及經審核後，合符資格人士能「免受遣返」。就法律程序而言，酷刑聲請申請人（torture claimant）需先以書面聲請，聲稱在國家遭受政治迫害或酷刑，故來港尋求政治庇護。若經入境處審核後符合資格，申請人就不會被遣返回國，個案將被轉介至聯合國難民署，由該署確認難民身份及安排移居至第三國[4]。

可是，由2009年底至2019年3月，入境處完成審核的21,285宗聲請中，獲確立的聲請個案只有160宗，成功率只有0.75%[5]，遠低於一般發達國家（如加拿大的40%）[6]。在S與H的經歷中，二人抵港後，即提出庇護申請。然而等待半天後，一個高層職員卻粗暴地知會他們即將被遣返出境。

S聞言感到受騙，走向入境處辦公室欲靜坐抗議。誰知一行近廿人的職員即時將二人按在地上，H更被人用腳踩後頸，緊按地上，呼救無果直至失去意識。入境處回應另一難民的類似指控時指，只有在當事人原本同意被遣返、後來被帶至閘口登機時反抗，職員才會用最低武力將之制伏[7]。可是，S二人根本連要走也不知道。

羈留︰被誤導簽紙，夫婦分離近半年

後來，二人被帶回辦公室，換了一批人改用懷柔政策安撫他們，又命令H買一張SIM卡，接聽一個不知名「代表律師」的電話。S表示：「在我們最絕望的時候，他們遞了一份文件著我們簽署。H很快簽了，我因為不知道文件寫的是甚麼，有點懷疑，H叫我簽，我看到旁邊有人打眼色叫我不要簽，但還是傻乎乎簽了。」

其實這份文件的內容是表示自己同意被羈留到「青山灣入境事務中心」(Castle Peak Bay Immigration Center, CIC) 。按2008年立法會文件，入境處一般只有在合理懷疑該等人屬非法逗留，正在審核其居留資格、考慮或有待執行遣送或遞解離境令期間，該等人才會被羈留[8]。H引述第115章《入境條例》第37ZK條，列出了五大問題，包括1）他們當時剛剛到港，沒有任何犯事，2）其左眼全盲，應接受治療，3）其妻子S有腰傷，4）自己需要照顧妻子，5）S要照應她的女兒；這五項符合文件上寫的「不予羈留因素」。然而，正因為他們在被蒙騙的過程簽署了文件，翌日便被送往羈留所，按性別被分別羈留。

為了離開香港，H每日堅持寫投訴信，更無所不用其極地用頭撞鐵欄，甚至四度水也不喝地絕食抗議。職員們都怕了他，容許二人隔著破璃一周見一至兩次。有一次，H聽見S傳來求救聲，猛力用頭撞欄至頭破血流，職員趕至，才及時制止幾名女囚友向S性侵犯的企圖。日子一天天過去，每周前來的代表律師，被問及何時會獲釋時，總是啞口無言。

2018年10月18日，他們突然被告知「可以走了」。興奮都來不及下，他們被送上的士，就此結束五個月的羈留生涯。二人的難民身份證據確鑿（尤其曾受美國政府關注的H），官方審核一完，連律師都沒有通知一聲，就決定靜靜放人。H其後聯絡律師，希望取回部分文件，但只能接見其他職員，本來接頭的律師音訊全無。

滯港：甚麼東西都要錢，消磨意志地待業

離開羈留所當日，政府向二人發放俗稱「行街紙」的入境處擔保書，持有行街紙人士不得在港工作，因此政府依靠國際社會服務社香港分部（International Social Service (ISS) Hong Kong Branch）向他們援助，當中包括每月固定的公用設施津貼、交通費津貼、百佳食物卡及住宿津貼。看似完足的福利，事實上只以維持最低限度生活為準：一人每月住宿費只有1,500元，在香港能住什麼呢？

S與H現時住在約150尺的劏房，每月單位租金需港幣8500元，經濟壓力巨大。不過，二人開銷最大的來源卻是各種移民外地的申請支出，包括翻譯、影印、列印、郵寄、照相、蓋印等。「在香港，所有東西都有價錢，都要錢！沒有東西是免費的。」H不滿。確實，當人陷入貧窮，才能深刻感受到現實社會中每一個環節都需要以金錢中介。二人驚訝香港物價之高。H說︰「在埃及，花埃及幣2元（約1元港幣） 已可飽吃一頓。每月200美元（約1600元港幣）收入勉強可生存。我的家人理解不了他們每月給我的100美元，為何甚麼都做不了。」

幸運的是，由於受迫害的證據充足，S與H得到免遣返確認。放眼全港逾99%得不到確認的申請者，他們因欠缺入境處眼中的「佐證」（入境處從未有透明的審批標準 [9]），多次申請都被拒絕。他們來自南亞、中東與非洲，各地政教分歧同樣造成嚴重的武裝衝突：有尋求庇護者聲稱，因改信宗教而被家人恐嚇殺害、或全家族因教派之別被追殺 [10]。廿名滯港逾十年者，眼見在港所生子女快將成人，因無國藉之故，連工作權也沒有，遂於去年六月聯署去信特首，爭取人道居港權 [11]。

S同H也在今年一月得到聯合國難民署的難民身份證明。此證全球通行，容許二人在避難地工作之餘，也保障二人得到免費公共醫療服務。身體不佳的S，就曾數次因為創傷後遺壓力在街上昏倒，入院後被診斷有適應障礙症。雖然排急症還是要排很久，但起碼不用繳付非香港市民（即一般拎「行街紙」者）要付的、等於叫窮人自生自滅的1,230元診費。不過，公院還是沒有為他們提供專科服務，S的子宮與膀胱問題一路未能照超聲波解決。

然而，即使有證件容許工作，二人在港找尋工作毫不順利。一般機構沒有為聘請難民申請批准的經驗（畢竟十年來只有160位！），而二人因宗教迫害原因，又不能完全融入以穆斯林為主的工作群體。兩夫婦在本地天主教堂聽英文彌撒的時候，身邊人盡是菲律賓移民家務工。「她們見我著得光鮮，尤其是戴一條早幾日在街邊買的金色十字架鏈時，就前來問我們請不請工人了。我跟她說，有份家務工倒不如給我去做！」

H 曾經到區內16家餐廳面試，全部無功而回。這16家餐廳全都聘請英語為主要語言的人士，但都因H的難民身份卻步。H 認為入境處提供一紙證明，並沒有解決僱主的疑慮，對難民就業基本上全無幫助。他認為入境處應提供具體就業援助。

再移民︰不想在香港失落無援

在家，麻雀雖小五臟俱全，二人終於能一解在囚飲食單調乏味之苦。「如果你𠝹我手臂一下，流出嚟嘅會係奶茶，唔係血！」H笑道，出CIC之後以後都不想喝奶茶了。S煮得一手拿手好菜，在百多呎的空間裡，在兩三個小時內就變出一桌炸魚、香草牛肉烤餅、海鮮湯等傳統中東及地中海菜，甚至用午餐肉入饌，煮成美味的菜肉蛋餅Shashuka（希伯來文意為「混合」）。

可是，重獲自由的快樂，很快被現實的折磨打斷。一眾尋求庇護者及難民，因語言不通，一向極度依賴少數的難民支援機構，以跟官僚法律體系打交道。S和H找機構求助時，S曾被職員指自己看上去「太白」，不像一個難民，說他們不是一分子。事件令二人感到受針對，日後與其他機構的接觸也有不少壓力與不快，加上不想遇上其他穆斯林難民的個人安全理由，令他們對於向機構求助生疑竇：「我們感到被傷害，我不會扮慘，我們也不相信這一伙的機構。」二人最後選擇只靠自己跟進移居及求職事宜，因前路茫茫，漸漸變得終日心緒不寧，陷入幽谷。

筆者幫助他們檢查要交給加國移民局的補充文件時，真的大吃一驚：交件期限尚有一星期，可是信件內容甚長，他們連移民局電郵附上的申請表連結，都不知道要打開；當然，他們連Abode PDF Reader都沒有下載，所以就算開到，也看不到。S英語能力再好，都只能寫出行文迂迴雜亂的陳情書，列舉所有記載他們事跡的網上報道，再用電郵寄給不同的機構與律師。而H更加只能每天背著一大袋文件、機票等證據，四出奔走，重覆影印、掃描檔案。面對官僚體系，二人根本無力理解，遑論與之溝通。如果沒有人幫忙整理，可能他們要繼續一次又一次錯過電郵、一周又一周等待官僚回覆中，輾轉難眠。

幸好，二人得到加拿大移民局的面試通知，數月後就能知道移居申請是否成功。興奮之餘，這是他們生活中唯一可盼望的事情了：Sƒ沒有想要什麼，她只想盡快離開令人失望無援的香港，與H安定下來後，就想辦法接埃及的家人前來團聚，過上新生活。

當他們感謝我幫忙時，我總是回答：你們是傳奇，故事夠寫一部史詩式電影了，這一切，都是你們應得的。筆者衷心希望二人的移民申請成功，早日重拾支撐他們穿越重圍的尊嚴。眼見本地網民留言總是一竹篙打一船人，對難民涼薄地未審先判，視我們的安穩為理所當然 — 與其站在當權者的一方，何不看清官僚式偏見與折磨，聆聽他人的經歷，讓受迫害者獲得應有的尊重？

參考資料：

[1] Central Intelligence Agency, 2019. ‘The World Factbook: Egypt’: https://www.cia.gov/library/publications/the-world-factbook/geos/eg.html

[2] RT: ‘Religious Rage: Will Egypt’s Muslims & Copts live in peace? (RT Documentary) (Pre-recorded) : ’https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rlVlfj7rfsM

[3] CBS News. 2013. ‘Maspero: A massacre of Christians in Egypt’: https://www.cbsnews.com/news/maspero-a-massacre-of-christians-in-egypt/

[4] 香港特別行政區立法會, 2012. ‘立法會十七題：酷刑聲請’: https://www.info.gov.hk/gia/general/201206/06/P201206060249.htm[5] 香港特別行政區入境事務處, 2019. ‘執法：免遣返聲請數據’: https://www.immd.gov.hk/hkt/facts/enforcement.html

[6]  大紀元時報，2018. ‘加拿大難民申請通過率下降至40%’: http://www.epochtimes.com/b5/18/5/23/n10421102.htm

[7] 香港特別行政區入境事務處, 2017. ‘入境處回應一名人士在今午會見傳媒時作出的指控’, https://www.immd.gov.hk/hkt/press/press-releases/20170315.html; 蘋果日報，2017. ‘難民報稱遭入境處職員毒打: https://hk.news.appledaily.com/local/daily/article/20170316/19959461 

[8] 香港特別行政區立法會, 2008.  CB(2)2267/07-08(01)號文件：’立法會保安事務委員會 青山灣入境事務中心 部分羈留人士拒絕領取膳食’: https://www.legco.gov.hk/yr07-08/chinese/panels/se/papers/secb2-2267-1-c.pdf

[9] 惟工新聞，2016. ‘【假難民掃盲帖系列之一】 《禁止酷刑公約》保障港人人權 以難民話題轉移視線＝助長警權’: https://wknews.org/node/1044 

[10] 片中訪問一個來自斯里蘭卡的家庭，當地教派仇殺嚴重，妻子本是佛教徒，因不顧家人反對與穆斯林丈夫結婚，恐怕會被仇殺，滯港十八年三度申請為難民不果。香港電台, 2018. 《視點31：難民在香港》: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VmY2pOCQjNI

[11] 受訪者來自南亞回教國家，指自己被另一派別的極端穆斯林教派分支追殺，至今親人一一被殺死，現滯港已逾十年。香港01，2019. ‘蜉蝣十年2：父母因宗教逃離故鄉 港難民二代 – 為弟妹尋出路’： https://www.hk01.com/%E7%A4%BE%E5%8D%80%E5%B0%88%E9%A1%8C/292779/%E8%9C%89%E8%9D%A3%E5%8D%81%E5%B9%B4-2-%E7%88%B6%E6%AF%8D%E5%9B%A0%E5%AE%97%E6%95%99%E9%80%83%E9%9B%A2%E6%95%85%E9%84%89-%E6%B8%AF%E9%9B%A3%E6%B0%91%E4%BA%8C%E4%BB%A3-%E7%82%BA%E5%BC%9F%E5%A6%B9%E5%B0%8B%E5%87%BA%E8%B7%AF

English version see: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1jp2Z5hcZOk-7K1X_8YkLR_mZa1Dtp39nw4p5AM6xWEY/edit?usp=sharing

敬啓者：

本人XXX為灣仔天后選區選民，現在對於天后選區B0602勵德票站的投票站主任鄺百樂先生以不公正點票行為，涉嫌妨礙選舉公正作出嚴正投訴。

本人於11月25日凌晨約00：30到達B0602勵德票站，與多名在場人士以公眾身份觀察點票，期間目睹投票站主任鄺百樂先生就若干張問題選票作出最終裁決，過程中無理無視1號候選人陳鈺琳、其兩名監察點票代理人（點票禁區內站立的一年輕男子、及一年輕女子）、以及在場若干名公眾人士，對他的裁決之多次反對。本人、當場公眾及本人之家人及鄰居知悉後，深感自身選舉權被嚴重無理剝削。

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隨電郵附上三段當場拍攝的片段，現摘記內容如下。懇請  貴處從速跟進：

1. 於11月25日凌晨00：43分，鄺主任提起一張剔號不在1號候選人的圈中的問題選票，指出由於剔號「不在圈中」、「上面有指模」，裁決不接納這張選票。陳的女監察點票代理人（身穿米黃衣）向鄺主任的裁決提出申訴，指「頭先都有啲污糟㗎，你都有講㗎，但你話無嘢喎。」鄺主任稍作回應後，女代理人指「唔得，一次過講，你呢張同之前嗰張唔同嘅。」鄺主任回應：「唔係，我裁決咗呢張先。」女代理人再指「唔得」，鄺主任不再作回應，說「我裁決呢張選票係無效嘅。」有公眾人士提出申訴，指「如果係同類型嘅問題，你係應該一併裁決㗎喎」、「喂唔該你統一standard吖？」、「一張得一張唔得，你可唔可以比個網址我上網睇下［點解］？」，要求重點投票、逐張裁決以示公正。鄺主任完全沒有作出回應。

2. 於11月25日凌晨00：45分，以本人在場所知，背景是鄺主任裁決一張投向2號候選人的問題選票為有效。片中，陳的女監察點票代理人舉手，向鄺主任的裁決提出申訴：「我有問題！呢張後面都有剔，唔係咁都OK係咪呀？」，男監察點票代理人同樣指著選票表達不滿。公眾人士同樣不滿裁決，引起哄動，有人指「你倒晒［所有選票］落去［2號候選人票箱］咪得囉！」、「前後都有［印］嘅點解？」、「後面吸咗［印］㗎！」，餘不一一。畫面未見鄺主任最終裁決，但作為在場者，本人知悉鄺主任沒有再作回應，裁決該選票為有效。

3. 於11月25日凌晨00：52分，片中鄺主任共就5張問題選票作出裁決，羅列如下：

一、以本人在場所知，背景是鄺主任裁決一張投向2號候選人的問題選票為有效。片中，陳鈺琳明確表示「我反對」，陳的男監察點票代理人「你有個印仔喺後面比人睇到，而嗰個位置好明顯係2號」。一名身穿淺灰衣的男工作人員指「無可能」，男代理人續指「點會無可能，係睇個位置已知一定二㗎喎！我見到你哋好專業咁喺個投票箱喺隔離看住、睇住佢扔［選票］落去，點解會比⋯⋯？」，該淺灰衣的男工作人員指「我唔知道⋯⋯」（同時有公眾人士隨即指：「知唔知咩叫亮票呀大佬？」），男代理人續指「點會唔知呀！咁樣反轉（指當時鄺主任手上的票）你都睇到啦，盲嘅都估到啦！」淺灰衣的男工作人員搖手指不同意。鄺主任與身邊寶藍衣男工作人員耳語後，公佈「咁呢張票［個印］雖然唔係喺個圓圈入面，但係意向清晰，雖然佢入面嗰啲墨水都係滲咗出去。你（指2號候選人）有無申訴？」2號候選人李文龍指沒有，鄺主任隨即將票放入2號候選人票箱。

二、（片段00.47分起）有工作人員要求公眾保持安靜，有公眾不滿自己在表達不偏頗於任何一方的申訴時，不應該被無理滅聲。同時，鄺主任展示另一張（以本人在場理解，投向2號候選人的）問題選票，指「意向清晰，我裁定為有效」。陳鈺琳明確表示「我反對、我反對」，鄺主任指「我會將你嘅申訴擺喺張票度」，公眾鼓躁不滿指「［票上的印仔］出晒界又唔係個圈入面」，隨即為選票打上印章（不清楚是什麼印章），將票放入2號候選人票箱。

三、（片段01.28分起）有公眾指「你哋所有在場嘅工作人員都要負責任呀！⋯⋯」，同時，鄺主任展示另一張（以本人在場理解，投向2號候選人的）問題選票，面向兩位候選人解釋：「（前段聽不清楚）⋯⋯但係，我認為意向清晰⋯⋯」，指會裁定為有效選票，再示意問兩位候選人有沒有申訴。李文龍示意沒有，陳鈺琳一臉無奈。

四、（片段02.02分起）鄺主任展示另一張（以本人在場理解，投向2號候選人的）問題選票，有公眾喊說「呢個（指選票上的標記）好明顯係交叉係咪呀？」。在鏡頭拍攝一眾旁觀的工作人員時，可聽見鏡頭以外陳鈺琳明確表示「我反對」，又有公眾喊說「呢個（指選票上的標記）咩嚟㗎？邪教符號呀？」。鏡頭回到鄺主任身上時，他為選票打上印章（不清楚是什麼印章），將票放入2號候選人票箱。有公眾向在場的防暴警察求助，指現場「好暴力，亂咁去整嗰啲咁嘅票，點樣裁決啫？都無裁決過」。

五、（片段02.35起）鄺主任展示另一張（以本人在場理解，投向2號候選人的）問題選票，寶藍衣男工作人員指向二人身後，在禁區之內、公眾無從索閱的有關選票裁定指引的展版，鄺主任其後指「呢張票呢，個印章係偏咗嘅，⋯⋯」，有公眾見到選票正面隨即大喊「呢個係乜X嘢印嚟㗎？」，但鄺主任仍裁定選票為有效，另一公眾馬上質疑「有效？」。陳鈺琳指著選票與鄺主任理論，再明確表示「我反對、我反對、我反對」。鄺主任為選票打上印章（不清楚是什麼印章），將票放入2號候選人票箱。

最後，在片段以外，本人親耳聽到陳鈺琳問鄺主任是不是她提出反對，鄺主任都會通過問題選票。鄺主任指他是在場最終裁決人，只會把她的反對紀錄在案。

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總合以上所述，本人對於B0602勵德票站投票站主任鄺百樂先生涉嫌妨礙選舉公正，作出以下五項控訴：

1. 無視候選人監察點票代理人、公眾對於他就「同類型的問題選票、採取不一樣標準處理」的申訴，沒有解釋為什麼不採用當刻最公正、且完全可行的做法－即重新點票－以示公允；

2. 在禁區之內，公眾無從索閱位處禁區的選票裁定指引展版，在有公眾人士明確詢問「有沒有相關網站指出當時裁決的準則是什麼」的時候，投票站主任及其他所有工作人員都沒有作出任何回應。此舉嚴重剝削公眾對於「何謂有效選票之準則」的知情權，以及在場監察點票的監察權；

3. 無視候選人、候選人監察點票代理人及公眾，對於鄺主任本人用以裁決「何謂有效選票之準則」的知情權。片中可見鄺主任屢屢先描述選票的情況，然後加一句「但是意向清晰」，就裁定投票意向被理解為指向2號的選票有效。候選人、候選人監察點票代理人及公眾作出申訴時，鄺主任以自己作為「最終裁決人」的法定身份為辯護，過程中基本上沒有回應過公眾的任何申訴，也對候選人、候選人監察點票代理人的申訴採取冷待政策。鄺主任沒有盡確保選舉中立、公開、透明的法定責任，向該等人士提出一個合理的解釋；

4. 根據一個合理人對於鄺主任如何理解「意向清晰」的推斷，應是只要印章落在票上某候選人方格以內，不論是否在圈外、選票是否骯髒、有沒有向其他人亮出投票意向等，都可以被視為意向清晰，可被裁為有效選票。同時，本人在場期間，以我理解，除了一張票以外，所有投票意向被理解為指向2號的之問題選票，都按以上準則被裁定為有效。本人質疑上述準則涉嫌已違反選舉事務處有關「何謂有效選票之準則」，反映鄺主任涉嫌嚴重違反中立原則，有明目張膽地於點票期間偏袒2號之嫌；

5. 如第4項所指的準則沒有違反選舉事務處有關「何謂有效選票之準則」，照計11月25日凌晨00：43分審閱、投票意向被理解為指向1號的之問題選票，同樣應被裁為有效，但是鄺主任將之裁為無效。這反映鄺主任涉嫌嚴重違反中立原則，有明目張膽地於點票期間偏袒2號之嫌。

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本人現向選舉辦事處提出下列訴求：

1. 處方必須徹查事件，對於本人上述五大控訴作出令人滿意的適切回答；

2. 處方必須告知本人，投票站主任鄺百樂先生及當時在場所有的工作人員（隨函附上名單），有沒有涉嫌違反任何香港法例及任何與選舉相關之守則；

3. 承第2項，如有，請列明該等人員涉嫌違反之法例及／或守則、相應的處分準則；

4. 承第3項，請提供當前有關該等人員的相關狀況（如：依然如常上班、被停職調查中、被罷免職務、被罰金額或刑期），及定期提供相關的最新情況；

5. 處方必須確保在日後的選舉中，公眾對於「何謂有效選票之準則」的知情權，以及在場監察點票的監察權不被剝削，具體行動為：5.1 確保「何謂有效選票之準則」展板置於點票間裡公眾容易見到的地方；5.2 確保有在場工作人員，負責回應在場公眾點票期間之申訴及疑惑

6. 如以上任何一項不能被達到，務必告知詳細原因。

本人認為是次投訴性質嚴重，而選舉主任作為嫌疑者，絕對不能被授權處理是項投訴，因此本人要求本投訴被提交至選管會或其屬下的投訴處理會。本人願意提供關於該項投訴的進一步資料，或安排會晤以作澄清或尋求證據。本人願意作出法定聲明，申明所作投訴或陳述真確無訛。

本人對於天后區選民的投票權，在勵德點票站眾目睽睽之下被公然踐踏一事感到震怒。當選的區議會議員可以在未來五年間坐擁三萬多月薪、每月以萬計的社區工作經費；任何涉嫌選舉舞弊的行為，不止是對於每位候選人之人格與努力的侮辱、對選區數以千計的選民的侮辱，更是徹底違反香港公共資源公平且有效分配的嚴重利益輸送。本人懇切要求  貴處嚴肅對待今次事件，不能姑息或縱容任何使香港選舉蒙上污名的人員與舉措。

此致

總選舉事務主任

市民XXX謹上

2019年12月2日

好！終於到我有間寫呢篇算係遲交咗嘅嘢⋯⋯！！

“Evaluate the social and political impacts of economic integration between Hong Kong and China.”

• *Fong, Brian Chi-hang. (2014) “The Partnership between the Chinese Government and Hong Kong’s Capitalist Class: Implications for HKSAR Governance, 1997–2012.” The China Quarterly 217: 195–220.
• Hung, Ho-fung. (2019) “Chinese State Capitalism in Hong Kong” in Lui Tai-lok, Chiu Stephen W.K. & Ray Yep (eds.), Routledge Handbook of Contemporary Hong Kong. Oxon; New York: Routledge.
• Hung, Ho-fung & Ip, Iam-chong. (2012) “Hong Kong’s Democratic Movement and the Making of China’s Offshore Civil Society.” Asian Survey 52(3): 504–527. 

Before I start .. just wanna say it has been a tiring week for no apparent reason. So tired…

*

頭兩篇文都有啲驚喜，in the sense that佢地又真係講咗啲聽咗中港關係的政治經濟學一段時間嘅我，一路都無咩睇到有系統性研究嘅一啲重要嘅gap，兩樣都幾重要。一係香港的商界點建制法，知就知個廊（功能組別呀、反送中會出黎要求修例呀），但係具體真係完全不清晰。二係香港呢個離岸貿易及金融中心對於中國經濟的重要性，尤其是中共保持不完全對外開放的金融（企圖將香港打造成離岸人民幣「批發」中心），對於用「攬炒」威脅中共都有一些參考作用。兩樣對於我來講，都係一個可以連結當前的政治風頭，再轉去深化同探討資本主義視角下中港的經濟關係的一啲好嘅開端。最後一篇講香港係中國公民社會的離岸資源流通地，篇野前半就悶啲（又係講03-2010堆香港抗爭），後半講大陸的運動如何受香港影響，都係中港關係嘅另一個重要面向嚟嘅。

最近come across一句野：”Nothing has really happened until it has been described.” 一路以來，我都未係好明學術呢個範疇其實係可以點contribute to immediate needs，正所謂遠水不能夠近火。不過有呢句野之後，好似個人安心咗啲，肯定返研究、閱讀、書寫、紀錄的角色，就是讓已發生的事情「真正地發生一次」，成為一個可供後來的行動者或紀錄者立足的視點。有朋友話，為了培養耐性，我係應該睇少啲設計出黎就係為了讓人在最最最短時間之內，吸收最大量最重要的訊息的journal article，而應該睇多啲書，仲要係同平時睇開那些有些不同種類的書（可能係小說？）.唉我以前中學都有追過下小說，不過不太容易⋯⋯仲要依家成日覺得應該睇一啲同勞工呀、Econ呀相關的書。不過個「應該」都已經長期搞到我透不過氣來。如果可以真係鬆一鬆，唔洗好似（依家）趕住去投胎咁larp下一堆文，咁就好喇。

Anyways. 印象中，方志恆篇文係講香港商界同中共的共謀關係，全文分為幾個部份，首先講呢段孽緣嘅起源，之後講港資如何從制度化的渠道、中聯辦的統戰及中港經濟融合上，得到可以踰越香港政府的政治權力。之後，再講英國、中國為主權國家時，兩者建立政治聯盟的不同手法與作用，最後係睇返當時的2012年唐英年對梁振英的選舉，到底有無反映到港資政治地位嘅沒落。

中英談判及回歸前期，中共無論在需要挽留隨英資撤資潮而漸趨不穩的本地資本、需要香港資金幫國內改革開放起錨、定係要止住氣勢如虹的民主派，都十分自然地需要籠絡香港的資本家。而呢班獻世派亦都希望在香港的政制轉型期間，穩住商界原有的低稅率、無基本工資等優勢，同時都需要歇制相對親基層的民主派，因此選擇離開與港英的結盟，策略性地轉投中共的政治附庸網絡之中。

統戰的工作喺過渡期早早展開，一眾的商界大亨被納入不同的行政機構：基本法起草委員會（the Basic Law Drafting Committee）、基本法諮詢委員會（the Basic Law Consultative Committee）、港事顧問（Hong Kong Affairs Advisers）、香港特別行政區籌備委員會（Preparatory Committee for the HKSAR）、預備工作委員會（Preliminary Working Committee of the ）。另外，當然仲有今日常見的政治酬庸崗位：全國人民代表大會（Representatives of the Hong Kong’s compatriots to the National People’s Congress）、中國人民政治協商會議（Chinese People’s Political Consultative Conference，即政協）的香港同胞代表。

（屌，諗到有班人一車一車咁送同齡人返大陸毒打，我就覺得香港「同胞」呢個稱呼真係next level骨痹 >< ！中國真係好double speak同好法西斯（專制極端民族主義）！！！！）

方志恆的一個重要論點，係相對當時幾hands-off、容許港督作出平衡階級利益之決定以穩定政權合法性的英國政府，手握香港主權嘅中共為香港嘅資本家提供了直通天庭的溝通渠道，令到港府作為地方管治者的自主性（autonomy）大大削弱，2 player game to 3 players game – circumvention 階級關係日漸失衡。商界首先已被安插在種種的行政架構之中，1998-2012年香港人大、政協成員分別有平均43.7%及70.8%係商界人士，而呢班人喺每年第一季，人大、政協全國兩會在北京周年會面期間，香港代表都會留多成兩個禮拜，開一個叫「兩會」嘅野，香港商界直接面見北京官員傾計。

其次，按中共的層級架構，負責港澳問題的最高級別負責部門是「中央港澳工作協調小組」（Central Coordination Group for Hong Kong and Macau Affairs），由中共中央、國務院等多個部門的負責人組成，目前的組長是韓正（2018年4月—，中共中央政治局常委、國務院副總理）。支援協調小組有四個主要部門：

• 國務院港澳事務辦公室（港澳辦，Hong Kong and Macau Affairs Office，主任為張曉明，負責協助國務院辦理港澳事務）；
• 中央人民政府駐香港特別行政區聯絡辦公室（中聯辦，the Liaison Office，主任為王志民，是國務院在港的派出機構）；
• 國外交部駐香港特別行政區特派員公署（Office of the Commissioner of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs of the PRC in the HKSAR，特派員為謝鋒，負責處理香港與外國政府和國際組織之間的外交事務）;
• 中國人民解放軍駐香港部隊（People’s Liberation Army Hong Kong Garrison，國務派駐香港負責防務的國家武裝力量）

當中，以中聯辦的統戰角色最為重要。於2000年前，它的前身為香港新華社（Xinhua Hong Kong），以往組織了大批的左派商業、教育、旅遊機構，及群眾組織如工會、地方社堂、老人及婦女組織等。近年由中聯辦籌劃的國慶籌委會（Presidium of the preparatory committee of HK compatriots in Celebraton of the Founding Anniversary of the PRC）都係有過五成成員來自商界。

**

之後果啲已經係同時間比賽（趕交貨），可以唔洗理，存照，得閑再擴寫，sorry

• CEPA – China as largest investor in hk; mainland as principal investment srea by HKers (pic: convergence; largest hk conglo. holdings in mainland)
• HK business needed relations to overcome bureaucratic hurdles by provincial govts -> senior CCP

Hung (2019）:

Chinese capitalism needed HK as springboard

• Onset of Chinese economic revolution: early 1980s decollectivisation in rural areas & decentralisation – regional govt seek transnational capital attracted to unlimited supply of low-wage labour
• late 1980s SOE reform (cut perm jobs), dual track system (rise of cadre-capitalist calss) – 1989 unrest, end pol reform and yes neoliberalisation
• 1990s further SOE reforms by ‘insider privatisation’, rise of export-oriented manufacturing ;- importance of East Asian FDI

Rise of role of export

• 2000s: WTO, RMB devaluation in 1994
• trade surplus – liquidity – allow for foreign reserves to back up RMB , deployed in bank loans to finance fixed-asset investment in SOEs & local gots- mode: EX, fixed-asset investment, low-wage regime
• EX as mother of cap boom

HK’s importance: early inclusion in trade order help FDI transder; SOE come to HK got stock market to raise capital

• 1992 US-HK Policy Act passed – regularly monitor hk autonomy, continue treat hk as separate territory in econ n trade matters (IM quotas, cert of origin) – grant most-favored-nation status in hk products, support access of sensitive tech – important before china joined WTO in 2001
• China today: 1) import goods subject to quota through hk; 2) register capital at hk to make foreign acquisitions e.g. Ukrainian aircraft, Nicaragua canal project (export cap to HK for re-export, see table 24.1); 3) Use HK’s court system as international arbitration center ; 4) rely on HK’s own currency n fin system

Chinese companies

• In colonial times, only state companies like Bank of China & China Resources operated in HK, as only channel to handle financial & trade activities between China & outside world; after 1980 market reform – SOEs started subsidiaries as ‘window companies’ in HK
• Get public on HK Stock Exchange as 1) Red Chip company (Chinese state enterprise incorporated in HK); 2) H-share company (Chinese SOE incorporated in China)
• Dominated by utilities, energy & finance companies – 2014: over half of top H-share, red chip are banks and insurance comps (Table 24.3, p. 439)
• e.g. China Mobile – pre-1990: fragmented provincial govt facilities; 1990s: Goldman Sachs lobbied Beijing to create consolidation of all provincial assets; 1997 IPO in HK & NY, raising US $4.5 M -> based on projected estimate of future profitability compared to existing national telecom companies elsewhere.

RMB Internationalisation

• 2008 fear of US dollar breakdown: Chinese started planning to reduce USD reliance by campaign to internationalise use of RMB – help reducing China’s large accumulation of risky USD-denominated assets (like US Treasury bonds) in its foreign exchange
• Full internationalisation of RMB: require China to liberalise its capital account – let go of control of banking sector & monopoly in credit creaton
• HK’s important role: help BJ to internationalise RMB by creating a large offshore pool of freely convertible RMB in HK, while delaying liberalisation of China’s capital account
• e.g. 2015 successful inclusion of RMB in the IMF Special Drawing Right basket of currencies (Chinese leader saw this as official endorsement of RMB being as reliable & liquid as other major reserve currencies; IMF did so to encourgae further liberalisation of China’s financial system)
• Reason why in 2015 RMB passed the ‘freely usable currency’ test it failed in 2010 (it has to be widely used to make payments for international transactions & widely traded in the principal exchange markets): it moved up from below top 15 to being 5th most used currency in international payments (still just 2.45% share of int’l payments)
• 70% of the 2.45% share of int’l paymens were transactions done in HK!

So

• Internationalisation of RMB was achieved by RMB-isation of HK economy (increase in RMB deposits in HK banks, sale of RMB-denom bonds, etc.)
• Plan for HK’s role: an offshore financial center w/ indp currency, judicial systems under Chinese sovereignty, as wholesale RMB offshore center, wiht other financial markets as retail centers

Rise of Chinese financial elites in HK:

• Hua Jing Society (香港華菁會) founded by Fang Fang (former Chief Executive of JP Morgan in China in 2007, arrested by ICAC in 2014 after US investigation of the company’s use of illgeal connection buying)
• Hua Jing Society was key supporter of C. Y. Leung, and many members were appointed into govt body committees, like Central Policy Unit, Commission of Strategic Development of the HKSAR govt （策略發展委員會）chaired by the CE of HK alongisde all major govt officials; Financial Services Development Council set up by HK govt in 2013 –
• helped pushing central govt agendas like One Belt One Road

Overall msg: HK’s role as China’s offshore economy will only strengths, not being weakened

Just very quickly, I can’t live like this anymore, like a computer with multiple tabs going on at the same time, all with burning alarms & expiry dates hanging over head. It’s a crazily exhausting life and it is extremely inefficient in getting me where I wanna get to – I feel like I keep running in circles when I am calculating whether or not I should go to a certain meeting last minute just now. It’s like history repeating itself over n over again showing the best short-term planning on earth.

I really need to stop getting so much ahead of myself and my ideas – I can’t even keep track of everything that was a source of inspiration or whatever in my head with this blog. It’s like mentally clogging and constipating forever while I dump eat more n more food than I can digest. I really really need a Sabbath every week, an off-work period every day, an off-computer-tab every half day, and some day to sit back n decide on my longer term priorities. Beyond the week-long time frames. and not stupid timetables to get shit done.

I’m done with this shit n i desire another level of efficiency.

p.s. I was just considering to give up sleep tonight to abide by my pledge to finish the PPT at work by tmr afternoon. No I can’t risk catching a real cold.

ANOTHER LEVEL OF EFFICIENCY & ANOTHER LEVEL OF AUTHENTICITY & BEING TRUE TO MY (LAZIER) REAL SELF.

So I’ll leave the rage from election fraud in front of 50 people at Lai Tak Polling Station in a bracket, and return to that issue when the new DC member’s team return to me. Feeling that anger too much drains my mind & makes it hard to focus on other stuff.

So there’s one final thing that I want to get off my chest, after having thought of it starting from a while ago and coming with a bit of a eureka moment during bedtime ytd. That is why do I always want some sort of verbal/ material commitment type thing, even in form of the fancy of going into a marriage, a kind of co-habitation or open family arrangement with someone that I really want to get or stay close with. Like why would I jump from really liking what that’s at the moment, to inferring & fascinating about an even more intensive experience in form of those kind of engagements.

So the answer I came up with is, fear of losing what I now have. A million scenario could snatch the ‘present’ moment that I treasured away from me. So I need it to be secure. It could be lost when one changes his/her mind. It could be lost when the physical proximity or conditions are no longer available. It could be lost when some deal between persons other than me got struck and I am forced into accepting the outcome from that. These applied to all the more insecure relationships I had.

Whereas I would be a hell lot more complacent in relationships that are ‘secure’ in that sense and start to act like a total dick that feels utterly bound by that bond. (So I like fucking myself & others up.)

So what I tell myself is, what I really and actually like is the (then) ‘present’ moment. The further securing of it in forms of weird bonds driven by un-communicated scares is means to the already obtained and easily obtainable end. Just communicate fears and ‘complacency’, sit back, and enjoy the show.

So this is one thing.

The other thing is I start to understand a person who affected me a lot better after some subconscious reflections these few days.

He changes immensely quickly when he judges something unworkable. In *every* regard. Politics, economics,

Interpersonal relationship.

So I should have understood. Now I do. In a good and relieved manner – as he likes to put it, it’s objective.

as fuck.

Unlike me, I just get stuck to what I had reason to make sense of, in pursuing some very simple relentlessly. In that regard I really am like a frisbee-catching doggie. I really am.

I feel quite relieved to see what’s been the knot there and, feel objectively more able to live with my past and present.

Hope you guys do too,

Anna x

記得有一位前輩講過，我都係有啲堅離地type嘅人，去完大遊行之後都唔會起晒勢係咁同人講見到啲咩嘅。似乎我個人啲情緒hit zone都係比較同「有人犯規呀球證！！」同埋「屌你，我地真係有機會㗎！！」有關，今次只不過係求其當贖罪咁，幫下天后選區做監投票員，但係真係估唔到開票的時刻，真係會變成一啲永世難忘、見人就想追住嚟講嘅事情。

總之，見到區議會變天，其實我同好多人一樣都係興奮到完全瞓唔著，係咁喺度望住立場個page renew再renew，同埋碌facebook睇下啲最新笑鳩獻世派的posts。我好似終於進入到以前一個重要朋友面對著選舉的心境：a lot is at stake at the matter of a very few number of votes，而每一個選區都係一場好令人咬牙切齒嘅拉鋸戰，天后呢邊贏咗，有人感動到低頭大喊；我碌Facebook見到社區前進贏咗，而我知道佢地上一場補選幾無chance、用好相寓等等等等咁多的努力做咗咁多嘢，今次終於贏到四年嘅資源返嚟發大去做，見到果一下其實同天后出面果位新朋友仔一樣，都有啲想喊。之前無發生到嘅回購領展調查計劃前期會議上，我總算從領匯嘅版圖認識到全港九新界嘅一堆地區名，尤其區議會選舉分得細到「屯門三聖」、「油麗」、「富亨」、「大南」呢啲地方，最少都唔會覺得自己好似係度睇緊樓。加上本人有港島人優勢，基本上好多其他friend唔太熟的港島版圖成個都識，今次望住一個個我都知有啲建制老seafood坐咗好耐嘅地方，而facebook、whatsapp同tg group都有一班街坊係度笑鳩佢地嘅時候（由細睇banner睇到大嘅，有炮台山羅榮焜、城市花園假髮王子許清安、維園周潔冰等，真係睇banner睇咗十幾廿年都未見過真人），個感覺係真係吐一口烏氣，揚一揚眉！

另外，其實我都更加明白到今次反送中運動中，衍生出嚟嘅果種幾organic嘅「手足」情（even though I wouldn’t see anyone as 手足 -_- not even my fam or CU friends）。我份人就真係幾鐘意一班人圍威喂吹水，而我7：30-14：00監完票、再22：00接左好短更之後，到監點票人入去，出到去同剛識的另一個監票人（古龍水味好重的捲髮男，但係我喺佢住棟嘢度學畫畫）加佢身邊嘅一班助選／撐場嘅後生朋友，大家一齊講下形勢點、睇下保民聯啲on9宣傳片、食薯片食朱古力，好似speed dating都無咁快識到一班啱咀形的新fd子（當然，對我來講今個星期日完左之後，我唔太打算繼續build果班friend啦，連人名都唔L知，雖然有個灣仔起動的義工睇得出幾有「執人」的senses, add了我入去灣仔tg group）。所以我都明點解大家真係心甘命抵個個禮拜出嚟，同彼此so-called「共患難」。最正的是，我地點完票宣佈咗1號陳鈺琳贏之後，我見到有人有啤酒，即刻問邊度有得買，幾個勵德邨嘅地頭蟲即刻帶咗我去（住炮台山天后咁多年坐車跑步經過無數次，見到但係從來無入過嘅）podium上面間7仔，話請我飲:) 吹左一輪水先知，個灣仔起動義工有一個朋友就係後腦中催淚彈果個，而身邊一齊煲左支煙又請飲嘅兩位，好快就要上庭—油麻地人踩人果日被告暴動。（原來宵禁係要佢check到你身份證先有事，所以其實等於無，小知識。）啲嘢好似突然間由一個mediated by the screen的光年驟然縮短成為一個身位以外的距離，呢個感覺真係有啲disorienting，好似一個世界觀／座標被推一推郁一樣。

對於我來講，光復到天后炮台山區議會，係真係有一個實質嘅意義，而我真係會gladly use the word光復。個原因係，一個depoliticised的「屋企樓下」已經紮根咗喺我腦海超過二十年，而一場真正有意義有agency嘅選舉，好似喺一張安靜嘅畫布上面潑一把墨，將所有以往隱而不見的人臉與情感浮現出來：原來有一個都好憎李文龍嘅男仔住我屋企樓下5分鐘之外；原來勵德邨比起我對一個公屋邨嘅想像，多好多會落樓圍屌點票不公嘅街坊同後生仔，多到有人企高由圍版以外「莊」入嚟睇下咩事，仲要果度肥龍贏得幾十票（計埋垃圾選舉主住鳩判比佢的十幾張廢票），比我想像中近好多好多。我尋日行落天后食個靚飯，唔知點解，過馬路後見到同平時一模一樣嘅地鐵站、休憩處嘅我人潮，真係有一種呢度已經唔同咗、呢度真係可以屬於我in a new sense的感覺。（同埋發掘左一間好好味嘅日本餐廳！）

Anyways, that feels really blissful。

仲有好多野想講，不過依家要落去開會，ttyl 🙂

Anna

So I have to make something out of these:

Modernization and China’s future (12/11)

• Kiely, Ray (2010)  Dependency and World-Systems Perspectives on Development  DOI: 10.1093/acrefore/9780190846626.013.142
• 潘毅：從世界人民革命的中心走向資本的中心  https://www.inmediahk.net/node/1040260
• 卢荻 | 中国与新自由主义（世界资本主义）——简评潘毅文章 https://mp.weixin.qq.com/s?__biz=MzAwNjU5NjYwNQ==&mid=402173722&idx=1&sn=02ded572e4cc00902a7475cfb9ac1856&scene=21#wechat_redirect
• 李民骐：新自由主义的危机与阶级斗争——与卢荻、潘毅、卢映西探http://www.wyzxwk.com/Article/shehui/2016/02/358935.html

and in Chinese (for the material to be made). So I think it might be a good idea for me to go through it once, more relaxedly.

*

一開始我並不特別喜歡Ray Kiely的文章，甚至覺得佢有啲悶，因為佢不斷解釋不同的種類的依附理論、世界體系理論，然後再不斷反駁、提出他們的論證的不足之處，為的是展現其核心論點：「依附」呢個想法作為一個理論（Theory）並不可取，但係作為一個概念（Concept），去以一個世界經濟體系不平均發展（uneven development）作為起點去進行具體分析現實處境，咁就有用喇。不過好彩11月頭有一場讀書會的討論，負責present呢篇文嘅人都有成功勾起我對睇埋最後一段（佢作為一個concept有咩好）的興趣，加上依家又要交貨，咁睇埋之後由頭諗一轉，就明白呢篇嘢對於以依附理論為起點去理解中國的崛起，有可取同都幾有貢獻的地方。

Ray Kiely最精彩的部份肯定係後半，佢嘗試以「中國復興論」（Arrighi的說法：1400-1800年，世界一直以亞洲為中心，1750起歐洲以更高的資本集中度同更高的工資等，發動到科技革命，一時超越亞洲；不過亞洲以其高勞動密集同低能源耗用的工業再革命，最近十年再翻身，從而解釋中國的崛起）作為例子，說明世界體系及依附理論的最弱點：即解釋不平均發展的起源，以及長時間維持這種不平衡的運作機制（mechanism）。舉例，以上個例子嘅證據都幾流下（e.g. 歐洲的勞動力同土地生產率，的確係有因為競爭為本的資本主義的發展而提高，而唔止係某啲資本或工資相對高而帶來的世界價格比較優勢）。

之後佢以另一個由依附理論所啟發的「全球商品鏈」（Global commodity chain）作為一種分析框架（method of analysis），再去探討同一個問題（中國的崛起），就有有意思很多的收穫。他援引研究，指出中國雖然沒有在生產鏈上完全躍升成為掌握高增值生產技術的核心國，但係中國已經在東亞內部成為了製成品的生產國，並使其他的製造國成為其部件生產供應商（如泰國、台灣、菲律賓等），在此對比的背景下形成了中國在製造等級制中的上層地位。

由此，Ray Kiely再推演，其實以前話「原材料生產國」相對於「製成品生產國」的低進出口比價指數（declining terms of trade，即係賣原材料蝕啲，賺嘅錢買得返等量嘅製成品、比製成品出口國可以買到佢嘅嘢相對少 – 所謂的Prebsich-Singer thesis），在今日連大多發展中國家都其實可以生產製成品的時候，應該被update成為一種「低增值製成品生產國（low value-added, LVA）」VS「高增值製成品生產國（HVA）」的理解。呢個可以應用於一般的所謂已發展國家 VS 發展中國家，亦都可以應用於發展中國家內部的發展層級關係。

Ray Kiely同時非常著重進口替代工業發展政策（Import-substitute industrialisation policies, ISI）對於一個國家由LVA升上HVA、以達致資本主義世界體系商品生產鏈上的「晉級」（Upgrading）的必要性。佢覺得即使World system theories有佢極其戇鳩的地方，但係點都唔夠新自由主義（neoliberalism）對於發展中國家經濟晉級路徑的盲目看好咁戇鳩（佢地基本上覺得，一個國家只要由低層做起，好自然就會慢慢晉級上去－即基本的「現代化」理論的基礎）。仲唔好講呢啲新自由主義政策，根本上就以貿易自由化強迫發展中國家向製造業早已發展成熟的國家開放市場，面對來自他國的激烈競爭，喺過程中根本無可能可以做到（以前基本上所有發達國都用過的）ISI政策。所以強調「依附」作為概念同具體實證起點，依然有其莫大重要性。我們要強調不是「已發展與發展中國家的趨同」，而是兩者之間「基於變化中但不平等國際勞動分工的持續發散」。

Rather than promoting convergence between developed and developing countries, whereby the latter catch up or at least follow similar stages of development through upgrading, we have continued divergence based on a changing but unequal international division of labour.

Ray Kiely, p. 18

更重要的是，就著當前中國同印度等製造業大國以低工資於進入壁壘低（low barrier to entry）的工業（如製衣業）中作逐底競爭的現象，令人憂心的是，今個年代同以往的製造業發展形態不同，因著勞動替代型科技的發展神速，製造業吸納勞動力的能力已大大下降，造成發展中製造國裡「沒有工業化的城市化」（urbanisation without industrialisation），形成我以前睇過的Mike Davis講的「貧民窟星球」（Planet of slums）。另一方面，比起昔日在拉美等地有條件形成跨階級的民族主義ISI發展聯盟，今日發展中國家裡的資產階級因著資本迴圈的國際化（globalisation of circuits of capital），想要攞到錢就有賴有錢國家或者由已發展國控制的國際機構，因此它們更具「買辦」性質，形成以民族主義為中心推行ISI的社會及政治主體的機會微弱很多。

*

Phew. 之後就要講有謂「目前左翼思想界一場最重要的討論」（李民騏語）：潘毅vs. 盧荻就中國國家性質是否屬資本主義所作出的辯論。

呢個reading list好的地方，係比我哋睇潘同盧較粗略的立場（佢地兩篇都好短，三版倒），然後睇基於上面兩者的立場與討論、數據同逐步推論相對紮實的李民騏文。

潘的立場觀感上係一種比較dramatic同narrative性質重、但係又幾熟悉的一種論調：中國在全球福利主義核心國面對利潤率下降打擊、由資產階級主導步入新自由主義的背景下，決定開展「市場化、私有化、自由化、國際一體化」天條下的1992年改革開放，步入了出口主導、勞動密集工業化路線下，使原有下崗國企工人及農民工步入血汗工廠型超剝削的說法。我估可能係同David Harvey的《新自由主義簡史》（A Brief History of Neoliberalism）有好多相似之處，而最近又真係學術圈裡周街都有人講Neoliberalism吧⋯⋯。

盧呢⋯⋯我因為聽其他人意見同讀過他的blog，本身對他有一點bias，似乎他是一個很想捍衛中國社會主義革命成果的第三世界主義者。他的看法是，新自由主義分為1980年代重市場化、90年代重私有化、2000年代重金融化三個時期。中國面對著融入資本主義的壓力，當中有「屈從」的地方，如企業所有制的比例上，私營企業大幅增加，不過盧認為去到2000s國有部門的比重已經穩定了下來；也有「抵抗」的地方，如金融化上面中國就一直成功死守，也沒有墜入拉美、東歐一些國家於上世紀末至今陷入的債務陷阱。同時，在數據上他不同意潘指外資佔國內生產總值過20%，按他的計算只有4%，而出口部門對於中國整體經濟的重要性，其實沒有有關血汗工廠等的報導呈現得那麼多

李民騏⋯⋯按我之前聽過佢（好似係夜貓的一條片，介紹他最新有關中國與全球暖化危機的書？）好似係個「毛派」，不過呢個派系事實上代表啲咩我真係無咩idea。不過在他的文章裡，我覺得他還是有理有節的，主要係用非常仔細的數據去砌低盧的立場，同埋比起其他論者，他有意識在行文間提出「推動某些政治方向的主體何在？」的問題，其實係同Ray Kiely最後提出的問題不謀而合。

佢首先就中國的私有化程度一點，指出其實眾多論者都同意中國的私營部門在改革開放之後大幅增加的不爭事實，而盧爭論的只不過是國營企業的比重在2000年代相對止住了跌勢，穩定了下來。李在數據使用上面反駁了盧，指出無論以1) 工業部門業務的收入（以國營、私營、外資及港澳台資企業三類，各自的某規模以上工業企業收入佔國內生產總值（GDP）的比例）、2) 利潤總額（反映市場上最關注的盈利狀況）、3) 淨資產總值、4) 各工業行業的業務收入（國有企業排頭的只有12個行業，大都是發達資本主義國家裡常由國家經營的重工業及公用事業等，外加國家專營的煙草業；私企排頭的有27行，包括除煙草外的近乎全部輕工業、部份重工業及礦業；外資及港澳台資壟斷製車、電子設備製造等最高增值行業）、5) 全社會固定資產投資（國企不守2008年前的一半佔有率，目前的三分之一比率還下降中）、6) 城鎮就業的創造而言，私有化的走勢一點也沒有放軟。

盧用以指證國家私有化只是「妥協」的，是2015年官方公佈的國企改革方針指明抵制私有化，但同時要求國企市場化，前者是官方十多年來必說的空話，後者有國務院、各省市、經濟顧問等眾多有實權實勢的部門推行，國企全面私有化對於李來說，只是時間問題。

他再就中國的金融化程度，說明他不同意盧的判斷之處。盧講到中國好像成功守死了金融一體化的防線，可是，李引述盧也承認，第一道防線「抑制銀行資本參與金融活動」已隨著房地產與股市的泡沫與震蕩、影子銀行為企業放貸，以致生產性投資的壓縮的行為早早失守，而第二道防線「資本流動管制」因為近年的外匯巨額流失（高官轉錢出國等？我都想知多啲，唔係好熟，例如中國有無一個官方固定的匯率，而事實上係有個黑市賣貴好多？我估無，因為睇電視係見到有人report人民幣匯率，但係事實上係點我真係好唔清楚），已受到很大的衝擊。李提到，事實上國內並看不見有抵抗金融化走勢的集團。

另一邊廂，2014年中國金融業佔國內生產總值的比重（7.3%）已經比美國高。李認為在2008-11年的金融大地震後，國際金融環境其實已經出現了一定的轉變：美國早前不健康地依賴增加居民貸款（household debt）以製造足夠國內需求去吸納過剩產品的模式，慢慢已經得到重新平衡。世界經濟的矛盾－即資本主義無限擴張的生產，與勞動人民有限的購買力（造成相對或絕對不足）—很可能由美國轉移到了中國，留下中國出現巨形經濟危機的伏線。

文章中一個頗令人impressed的地方，是李活用世界體系理論解釋新自由主義的起源，以及中國在呢個背景之下所發揮的角色。簡單而言，世界體系理論將世界上不同國家，按照它們的經濟霸主或從屬地位，分為（1）核心（core）、（2)半邊陲（semi-periphery）、（3）邊陲三種國家；半邊陲國的定義，大概是成功爭取到一定製造業部門中的出口優勢，但仍然依附核心國為出口地（屌我要再確認一下）；邊陲國以向其他國家出口原材料、再向他們入口製成品維持其最底層角色。世界資產階級在二戰以後出現大範圍的工人運動、民族解放運動、社會主義革命運動下，對工人階級及被殖民國作出重大讓步（e.g. 成立福利國家、容許獨立），造成主要核心國家的利潤率大幅下降、主要半邊陲國如拉美、東歐等地因誤對未來生產力過份樂觀、陷入債務危機等，造成資本主義徹底破產的嚴峻危機。因此，新自由主義是世界資止階級團結起來的一個大反撲：以不同的表現形式（如私有化、金融化、自由化、重要核心國家以去工業化削弱工人階級的談判力等），達致全面恢復有利資本積累的條件、提高利潤率的目標。

當中中國的角色係咩呢咁？李認為，新自由主義究其根本，始終都係資本主義，以資本主義的手法積累—即以較大的地理區域、廉價勞動力以生產大量剩餘價值。這比起以所謂「掠奪性積累」這種以超經濟手段（如暴力）作原始積累的手段，更為重要。中國的角色就係以世界最大支的產業後備軍去補呢一個位，讓核心及半邊陲國可以將本來利潤率已大幅下降的低增值部門轉移出去，轉而從事新的高利潤行業。呢一點其實對以David Harvey為首，非常著重核心國家的內部政策轉變、以及它們對半邊陲國的債務敲詐下，對「何謂新自由主義」的定義而言，係一個超級大的（and if correct，非常突破盲腸的）反駁。

頭先講到中國內部的危機，李認為中國同其他所有經歷工業化的國家一樣，都會出現工人階級鬥爭性增強的一個現象，具體呈現就係由2007年起中國的勞資糾紛群體性事件激增，同時中國的平均工資增長率—一個反映工人階級談判能力的指標—開始超過了勞動生產增長率。而就算因為就業結構傾斜向製造業、因而普遍的超剝削依然存在（contra盧），對於資本積累所需要的利潤率而言，中國不斷上升中的勞動成本可能很快就會超出可容納的上限。

而同Ray Kiely又不謀而合的一個點係，以中國為首的發展中國家可以超越呢個矛盾的能力，比起以往核心國低N倍：中國無可能好似佢地想當年搵到中國一樣，搵到一個起碼有中國咁大、咁多人的地方去做低利潤部門轉移、然後再將全國人民生活水平upgrade到去依賴新的高增值產業的模式。李提到，資本主義的邏輯註定，可以成為從邊陲國拮取「超級利潤」的核心國必然是一個極小數，而中國要躍升去嗰個地位，就意味著要把本來所有核心國擠出外圍，which在現實政治同資源上是沒有可能的。因此，另一個「出路」是中國政府以強硬手段將國民壓在永不超生的超剝削命運之下，不過李就話：

歷史並非總是由上層精英來寫的。三十年河東，三十年河西，水可載舟，亦可覆舟，被凌辱、被鄙視、被壓迫的廣大勞動群眾總是不甘寂寞，每隔一個歷史時期就要登上一次舞台的。

佢懶係嘢無講，但係要走出呢個如宿命般纏中國身的矛盾，最後一個出路，就是以工人階級為首的社會革命。（具體係要仔細N倍講，次次啲學術文章咁樣end，都搞到我有啲覺得好似比人點完一大餐「哦！」完好多次之後，再被傳返都係果個教的感覺 -_- 要真係落地咁了解最最最前線的勞動民眾每日面對緊啲乜、咩位會比人迫到爆煲決定搏一舖攬炒罷就，呢啲壯烈嘅大性情，其實回想起來睇中國基層的抗爭永遠都有呢種味道⋯⋯）

*

唉。為左交貨睇完上面啲嘢一轉，感覺上李民騏的分析intellectually係幾深刻有理的，而Ray Kiely個conceptual point都係高度吻合佢的研究方向，in that sense都是深刻的（無咁深刻啦。）不過最最最最大的感受都係，屌，中國大陸每日事實上發生緊的事，我真係可以話完撚全唔知，in this sense知道呢一大堆「看中國發展的方式」，其實到肉切身的意味還不是很近。我呢排都有些念頭，應該培養一下看關注中港基層動態的媒體（惟工都計嘅），不過屌，返工㩒住自己個頭睇完咁多字，有得放鬆嘅時候，其實真係唔係好想睇⋯⋯係我都係要㩒埋自己個頭落去果啲嘢，定係我本身就唔應該睇野睇到自己其他時候唔想再睇野，要adjust下個人as a whole呢⋯⋯呢個好似正路啲，不過都唔係好識實行。

*

聽日做監票員，要早瞓，但係有兩樣嘢，我都係好想講。

1. 屌你老味臭閪，今日晏晝check下問卷response，見到呢兩句野我真係火滾到一個點，唔該打字嘅（我估係中大CUTA的人）仆街食屎死！！

（你的觀察）

（你的建議）

屌你老味呢啲無聊但係有啲地位的人對我（同我地）做緊的事的質疑，其實我成日都會take得好重、太重。我頭先做完gym諗返起，真係要上員總個網睇返佢地18年個工會通訊裡面、大家講過的理念呀經歷呀先定一定返個人。我會get very defensive，但其實同時我都會係心裡面好質疑，我做緊的事係唔係多餘？我係呢啲收成期高層的眼中係咪已經係一隻永不超生嘅眼中釘（因為我係咁喺個職員幾海度share員總新資訊，咁真係新嘛）、係咪一個徹底嘅joke ><。最可惡的是佢踩本人有無心於學術嘅呢個位（屌你老母臭閪我上面先寫完一大秋呢條presumably讀natural science的收成期朋友仔呢世都唔識appreciate但係影響佢第時有無得返大灣區退休嘅嘢）—頂你個肺你估我唔撚驚復工之後唔夠時間跟進我話過想跟進嘅嘢？你覺得我會in any sense compromise我對學術同理論同任何解釋make sense嘅程度嘅執著？你可唔可以碌返去你間可能有二噁英嘅辦公室檯底度suck your own dick instead of speaking？？？唔好咗鳩住個地球轉去好啲果邊啦建制大粒佬！！！！

好，rant完。

唉自從有人提醒過我做野可以diplomatic一啲之後，我成日都會好驚我會唔會做多咗，我會唔會做少咗，而我諗返起以往好多曾經一開始時期望滿滿，而之後因為心裡某些重要嘅位的失望、或溝通失敗（主要係我罵人或人罵我而有一方頂唔順），斷裂得都幾粒聲唔出就「啪」*snap*下。其實我面對呢啲嘢嘅自我表述能力同抗壓抗焦慮能力都唔高。呢樣係我想講下的第二樣嘢。

2.

尋日我發現自己一有空隙的時間，都會在想以往面對著一些重要的人，我有無做錯、定係佢做錯、佢點樣不能原諒地僭越了我，我又點樣按佢所說不能原諒地僭越了佢，總之有不少這樣的內心對話，而我總是要以一個不自控的倔強的苦笑，去證明給自己看我沒有做錯，而一切已事過境遷，all behind my back for the good。

所以最近都在這些時刻做多了10分鐘以下的瑜珈做間奏，調節一下心情，有時幫員總出完一個post、mon完一下response，個人又會興奮（mission done and out and promoted!!），又要做一節去回復平靜。

在尋晚的睡前瑜珈後，我真係一個mountain pose咁瞓在床上，不知為什麼可能真係有啲禪意上身，在回想起那些對錯與過去的時候，想起Adrienne剛才一句”choose to relax”⋯⋯

⋯⋯突然想起了，我也可以choose to forgive⋯。到了今日，其實邊個啱、邊個錯，都真係真係完全無所謂、無意思。可能兩個都啱，可能兩個都有錯，但係最重要嘅真係，其實係某啲重要嘅意義上，我哋都明白大家，也只不過係用自己最擅長最純熟的方式，去communiate那種理解給大家，而since there’s still mutual well-wishing, we are still Aristotliean virtuous friends 🙂 .

Aristotle’s Timeless Advice on What Real Friendship Is and Why It Matters – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F18kSA8OxqY

Which is the thought that carried me through my hard English years. 我尋晚甚至有一下想到不同關係裡面，一些好相似的動態的再生，一時間真係順口地用「種咩因，就有咩果」去諗以後我可以點樣避免孽緣的再生、為自己為身邊嘅人種啲善因。（屌⋯⋯）

好吧，學下Adrienne，咩恩怨情仇都可以inhale再ex個hale放低，Namaste（合十）。

Phew. So much to do today, tomorrow, day after and on Monday. A friend said I’m the sort of girl that thrives on a packed schedule, and now I do get one. So I have to help Chris with 2 teaching materials and a short review commentary, and I sort of have to keep reviewing and updating the CUEGU thing (though the launch of the new, detailed survey had been delayed, probably due to a lot of dealings & meetings taking place behind the scenes regarding our collective fate on Mondays – us referring to CUHK staff members) , and also I half regret signing up to be the 監票員 on this Sunday (on the bright side, at least it gives me a reason to get to the voting station as early as 7:30am, which will never ever happen in any other possible worlds). Even I am sweating seeing this level of compaction.

But yea now I’m tackling item 0, which should have been done ytd but i was too tired to – recording what happened yesterday at CUHK, see what can be reported back to enhance CUEGU proposals & really just for the sake of me to remember what I did for what reasons; and perhaps ease my mind a bit on the many past experiences that come to appear to my mind recently (mostly from intimate rships).

**

So yesterday, a friend from CUGC and I went back to CUHK to check on the frontline workers. My idea was ‘to carry something through to the full extent’: if I helped starting a petition on workers’ safety given potential chemical hazards now at the CUHK campus, then I should make it fair and accessible to *all* CUHK staff regardless of their position and level of literacy.

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSeaO8P9GfbW6Tubu7hhbTE7M-BnfDlLaRC-tcUoLRgqDLshzw/viewform?usp=sf_link

中大教職員、校友及同學促請中大校方：全面檢測及謹慎清理中大室內外化學污染，並確保工友安全 — CUHK Staff, Alumni and Students Demand thorough testing & prudent cleaning of CUHK chemical contamination and occupational safety precautions for frontline workers. (872 signed by 22 Nov 2019 🙂 )

So, simply speaking I achieved my aim, coz I managed to distribute all ard 15 copies of the petitions, enlarged to 16+ font size and one-sided A4 (out of some weird presumptions about people having a worse vision??) to different stakeholders on campus, including boss of restaurants, supervisory staff as well as frontline workers; mostly in person, some of them sneaked into their secret hideouts (ok resting rooms) from under the door (‘You know where you are and I know where you are B-)’ – weird).

I think the most ‘gratifying’ spot was 花圃路，where after an initial scare (a supervisory staff seemed to be really alert about us speaking to a frontline gardening staff), his attitude sort of changed 180 (to me) when I mentioned I was distributing something from the CUEGU. He talked a lot about what he think can be fought for at this stage (shit now it gives me a sense of urgency to report back – the school is making decisions every minute rn) from his observations & experience at the frontline.

Then he sort of gave us the green light to approach other workers on the road when we turned back, and that’s how we managed to get in touch with some quite young & bespectacled 油漆（？）組 workers, some apparently 木工／泥水組 uncles who made me laugh with how they viewed us as monitors to be dealt by PR methods, some more hesitant gardening uncles who walked past, and a few 戶外組（？）aunties, uncles + young staff who got called to go uphill upon our approaching them (guess the senior doesn’t like us talking to them that much), and a 戶外／街道清潔組 head who chatted a bit with us while the cleaners were picking up trash and bricks on CC grass. That was the most ‘fruitful’ time period out of our entire 2.5 hours (1230-3?).

Some less fruitful times was when we searched in vain from 7/F down to 1/F for cleaners on the Sino+ ‘3 brothers’ bdgs, only to find one janitor who was new to the school responding to our knock on a very subtle door. She said she did not know how to read so giving her the petition didn’t mean a lot, but I asked her to retain it for others to read in the resting room. Then a more awkward encounter took place at YIA, where 4 janitors were resting at the bottom of a staircase which became a makeshift place for them to hang their equipment and calendars etc. They were a hell lot more cautious about us approaching them, and took our petitions sort of to hasten our departure. Later on we met a lady who held the petition took from her colleagues and said she ‘would not talk to us anymore’ – probably a reference to how she got scolded off from disclosing ‘un-fact-chcked’ info to students before, as my friend had spoken to her before perhaps about the employment status of toilet cleaners (outsourced or in-house). They told us they did not have to perform any dangerous works, and they were mostly just there to clean the washrooms & buildings so that they can be used once work resumed.

Most of the workers we met did not care that much about chemical pollution in the air, and they were keen to tell us that they got the protective equipments – one of them mistook the N95 mask she got as the ‘豬咀’ and I corrected her. Also they seemed to be given hard plastic goggles, but most of them weren’t wearing it (possibly didn’t see the point in wearing it). Some of them expressed fear with directly drinking water from the campus, and the supervisors expressed concern with the traffic arrangements (super congestion in Shatin area and how buses were so packed that they didn’t stop for the workers).

They suggested 1) also showing concern for the EMO management & repair headquarters, located right underneath Haddon-Cave sports ground – for that we can communicate to 安全及環境署 who is responsible; 2) asking for alternative traffic arrangements in-campus (for departments working near Bridge No. 2); 3) asking for alternative traffic arrangement to & fro the school, like shuttle buses, or to have different departments resuming work on different dates gradually in order to ease the traffic burden, now that the Uni station is closed; 4) Ask for special permission for pregnant staff to work at home or to resume work later.

However the attitude of the supervisors were more ‘demeaning’ of the frontline staff – they expressed fears that ‘they would say the wrong things’ and that ‘they can’t even read’, so it’s okay to bypass them in the consultation process.

Some staff perhaps 訓示ed by their superior earlier took a really PR attitude in replying to us. They said they were not supposed to be resuming work yet, but some of them returned ‘out of a sense of duty’, and they did not even know if wages would be provided for these days of ‘voluntary service’. Also, equipments were provided and they felt okay with the chemical issues around the campus. The funniest point was when they pointed to the ‘Five Demands’ the company had engraved onto the worksite walls and possibly attempting to do the same in their hearts and mind: 「顧客第一、環保安全、XXXX、持續改進、不斷革新」. One of them who walked past the door joked 「缺一不可呀！」。I like how they were trying to stick to the official line, while defying it with their joking attitudes – I sort of enjoyed this having an understanding among us while our communicated was mediated by ‘the official line’.

Yup, so I better write up a Chinese version of some keypoints from the above, for other CUEGU+ friends.

*

Ah I almost forgot. So we also spoke to the boss of the veggie restaurant who happened to be there – a thin, polite-looking middle-aged guy who looks quite nice :). He gave some measured comments on the type of violence out there (‘even language violence is a form of unobservable violence,’) to suggest that he wasn’t exactly on the side of the young protestors, but that’s fine. I asked if there’s gonna be any subsidy for the colossal loss in volume of business out of the emergency campus evacuation, and he said they were dealing with the school about it (?). He said that he was happy to have achieved some balance in revenue & costs earlier, only to be reversed by the recent unexpected incidents.

He wanted to apply for the Li Ka Shing aid for SME restaurants but since they do not have a 飲食牌 operating here in campus, they were sadly ineligible for the however small subsidy. They would be happy if we can somehow reflect it to the 膳委會s. Also, they reopened yesterday because they thought the school was going to resume work on Thursday – but it was announced really late (on Weds afternoon) that it wasn’t going to. So I think they got ‘tricked’ into spending some extra electricity, water & manpower in dealing with that. Also, he said they had to throw away boxes of organic vegetables stored inside before because of the chemical scares, which is another source of grave loss.

*

Ok so, what else. I can talk about the journey to CUHK, which was a physical strain mostly because I slept late (for that fucking stupid Taobao payment issue) and had to wake up early to get to CUHK. I mistakenly took 807K towards Sai Kung instead of CUHK mtr station and sort of had a nice-ish minibus ride for some extra rest before arriving. It was a bit confusing to figure out what to take when the Uni station was closed and I had to try out the 681 from tin hau to Ma On Shan option, but I quite liked the route – got to see more trees and a bit (annoyingly) of Ma On Shan’s different estates. But $20.2 one way – not a small amount, at least according to my shitting consumer’s perception ($20.2>>>>$19.9).

And skipping my nice convo with an old friend and brief meeting with Chris & another new friend, I had a really nice opening up of my upper back & shoulders, using the yoga wheel to do this:

Was a ‘pain’ as I did 2 times wrong and the last one right – it felt really really straining for my shoulders, but afterwards it was great, I feel like something that had been real tight all along really got opened up. I quite like the more introductory pace of the class and the more ‘professional’ (i.e. not chatty?) style of the teacher. It was a bit of a down-letting when my friend seemed not to share it because she was worried about having to get back to work .. aww I would have loved for the timing to work so we can do this every week. I see the point in paying for yoga wheel classes, not really in paying for stretches that I can pretty much do by myself with youtube at home.

arrrhhhh… really look forward to getting my own yoga wheel so I can roll roll roll at home (sob sob)….

And maybe I can really become the ‘bendy girl’ if I keep practising yoga. I really, really liked the calming, soothing and pace-changing practicing yoga gives. Had felt the urge to do it at home & almost had been doing it everyday in the past few days. Maybe it will really grow into me, as it is a much-needed part in my journey to ‘reverse’ some deep-seated personalities & habits in myself: being really hectic, impatient about packed items to be done, and sort of compulsorily having them on my mind before they are done or lingering on the after-taste of a well-done or worrisome-ly-done task. It helps cooling myself down and get me to change my pace, and get ready for some rest and stretches that I really look forward to. (The Yogi term ‘juicy’ sounds cheesy self-loving shit, but some twists and stretches really are juicy.)

Need a lot of that for the last few days of hectic first stab at unionising.

Gotta get back to work & maybe you too,

Anna x

So I did nothing except some intense physical workout and getting exhausted from that in the last 24 hours. I feel like mopping up some feelings that I tried to come to terms with this afternoon, while dragging myself up from bed at home, and after dinner when the dust of the last few days settle a bit.

So I think I had a slight epiphany or promise to self in the afternoon. That is, I should take up my share of sub-optimality-swallowing in a relationship, regardless of its category – romance, friendship, family, whatever. I know sometimes putting myself in a position which gets me nervous, anxious and alert, and also packed with some grudge from some requirements (perhaps subconsciously – not even something the other asked for). But then I asked myself if it worths it, and I know from the bottom of my really soft heart a firm yes. And I know others have always had their fair share of shit swallowing for me. Given that I know I am not a particularly considerate person (I get how I leave everything deemed less urgent to my parents & probably take them quite for granted .. and I can get my child-like selfishness from the scene of myself grabbing food on the sofa when everything around’s messy af).

I had some flashback on a relationship where love was intense but I couldn’t take the conditions that come with it. I couldn’t, and I am finally accepting that it’s an ‘I couldn’t’. It is a shame. I was unable to put down my ego and self-importance enough to be an ‘equal’ partner among all. I need recognition from my capabilities & diligence. It was outright denied to me, as I was said to not know what I am doing. Probably right but that search for the answer to their question destroyed me. Over and over.

It’s my character flaw – I really want to apologise and say, I know I was telling myself a half-lie, a story of sour grapes to stop my own scars from bleeding to death. I know it has to do with my inflated ego whilst being with people I deemed my lower counterpart and therefore find very very difficult to interact with when apparently deemed ‘lower’ morally. That’s why I feel a lot more at ease with the staff at least at the moment – everyone has a reason to be respected by me. Which is real shitty to think of it, it means I 欺善怕惡, in capabilities/ morality sense。Will I change? Will I still be 捽數 and doing it for the people there, instead of for the work in itself? I have images of leader or guardian-like people that I had respected and relied on at different stages in my life. Failing each of them brought me trauma.

I often value their valuing me more than any thing. I don’t want that to repeat.

With Chris it’s fine – he has a Tai Chi player feel to organising. With Ann it’s a bit harder. She likes my efficiency.

I think something that changes my interaction with someone is when I start to have respect for him or her. Say, for how he/she endured and showed patience and consistency despite all. (Or start to see his/ her weakness behind an all-encompassing impression.) Maybe the point is to learn to respect people in their unique way so no one is ‘lower’ than you, and to learn to not do anything for compliments by someone somehow ‘higher’ than me. This I remember is something I’ve written in an 2017 Dec email to a group of close friends. With utter excitement, like Moses proclaiming the Ten Testaments from the Lord’s Fire, an excitement that eventually died off when I don’t ‘need’ to write to them anymore. Maybe also have respect for yourself and have appropriate awareness & constructive despise for my own room for improvement. Maybe it’s the Aristotle thing of getting the exact right amount – no more, no less.

Respect my dad for his optimism, loyalty, utter patience & willingness to give; respect my mom for willing to tone down her constant anxiety about everything and offering her heart and mind to making our lives better & easier. These are probably qualities that I’ll take tens of years to acquire, and more importantly exactly complement and allow me to become who I am – a quick-witted, impatient, efficient improviser specialising in mental labour.

Yep, this makes a lot of sense. This is really why I couldn’t live as an all-rounded, caring neighbour. I had been specialised into not-caring since very young.

And to trust in the maturity of the other. That’s like the bedrock in every relationship.

Needing sleep & hope you too get a good rest,

Anna x